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It was a long way to happy. It took a lot to finally get back to that place; being comfortable in my own skin again. Some days I look back canapos;t help but think that I lost so much time.... years, in fact. How many months did I spend broken - literally - and confused? Iapos;m not sure I could even count them accurately. How much time did I spend thinking about what happened and wondering about what I didnapos;t know. Itapos;s hard to explain to everyone who loves me. They donapos;t understand why I continue to allow someone who has been a part of some of thee most painful experiences in my life to still be "involved". Although, I use that term loosely. I canapos;t give them a good answer. I donapos;t have one.

Sometimes I think it comes back to my tendency to believe in the people I think have good intentions.

Iapos;m carrying around these intense, incredibly painful scars, caused by someone who probably never really cared about me in the first place. All actions point in that direction. My brain doesnapos;t want to believe it, but the evidence is mounting. The worst part about these scars is that I could let them go if I wanted to, I think. Iapos;m not sure I know how, but there must be a way. I think I used to know the way, but I seem to have forgotten.

I get so mad at myself. Why canapos;t I just fucking let go? Move on already. GIVE�UP. I am always the one crying these hot tears, replaying the painful moments. I am the one walking around scatterbrained and scared, wondering when the next blow is going to come. I am the one who is suffering, no one else.

I donapos;t do well with giving up. I donapos;t do well with letting go. But Iapos;m really not doing well with walking around like this. I thought I could be stronger than this - that I would be okay without an apology. Now I just feel stupid, plain and simple. I thought if I could just him to love me enough, it wouldnapos;t matter anymore. I thought that would be enough to take away everything else that hurt. Problem is, I forgot that this wasnapos;t his burden to erase.

I am so angry, but more than that, Iapos;m hurting. And my tongue is starting to bleed from biting it so hard. I know I should just hit the eject button and get out now........ But I canapos;t.�

I canapos;t.

My mom always tells me that life isnapos;t fair.

Sheapos;s right.

I am living in one of the most amazing cities in the United States working for social justice, and I am absolutely, ridiculously, insanely in love with my complicated, challenging, rewarding, exhausting, moving, and incredible job. I fee like I am making a difference every day that I wake up. Itapos;s a ridiculously good feeling and I would highly recommend that everyone choose to do something with their lives that allows them to wake up feeling the way I do every morning. I would also advocate for picking a place to live where you can walk to work, as the walk alone has renewed my soul. I have all of this... And yet its not enough for me to let go. Itapos;s not enough of a reason for me to give up, even though it is.

I want someone to tell me that Iapos;m not the fool that I think I am; to grant me absolution from feeling like this idiot. I want to be able to let go. I want to be able to move on, leave this particular baggage out with Tuesday morningapos;s trash, and start letting the wounds heal. Your body can only do so much if you keep picking at scabs. I want someone to shake some sense into me.

Life isnapos;t fair, because even though I have all of this, and even if I get all of that, it wonapos;t be what I need.

"Itapos;s gonna take a long time to love
Itapos;s gonna take a lot to hold on."

It already has.


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